


The masks I wear

by RoseVered



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:05:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14366637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseVered/pseuds/RoseVered
Summary: Tim Drake wears quite a few of them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for anxiety, eating disorder and self harm

They think I don´t sleep just because I have so much to do. School, the company, Red Robin. That I just can´t pause and that´s why I pour down liters of coffee, Coke and energy drinks. That I just don´t have time to eat.

The truth is, I don´t deserve to eat or to rest. I am not good enough to deserve any of it.

When they finally make me to go lie down, when they literally drag me to my bedroom, I crouch in the corner of the bed, knees pulled up under my chin. I stare into the dark room, unable to stop thoughts sprinting though my head. Unable to not hear their voices. Unable not to analyze every second of the day, every side look, silent remark. Unable to calm down my pounding heart, to stop these feelings.

And when I get myself to eat something at last, sooner or later my stomach simply revolts. With tears of humiliation I kneel in front of the toilet, there´s nothing left to throw up at all for long, but my stomach still turns inside out. I cry with anger and shame. But when I leave the room, I have my mask on again on, mask of calmness and reserve, mask of Red Robin, a hero untouchable by nothing.

I can´t not notice how loose my clothes became. Under the pretence of strenghtening my suit I discreetly pad it here and there, so that my slenderness is not that obvious. I rather don´t look into the bathroom mirror any more, so I won´t see protruding ribs and collar bones. I can´t get warm, so I always wear hoodies or pullovers. Or both. I cautiously avoid physical contact, so that no-one can notice how ice cold my hands are.

In the evening I feel the glances of my family, of my friends. Do I even have the right to call them that? Dick sure can light up every room simply by his presence, but he is not very much around the manor any more. All that Jason gives me on the rare occasions we meet is a hateful stare, and when he does talk to me by an accident, he calls me nothing but Replacement. And Damian shows me more than clearly, that he is real Bruce´s son, real Robin.

Bruce… Why did he took me into his family in the first place? What does he need me for now, anyway? I could never really substitute Dick at all, Jason – maybe for a while, and when Damian showed up… Well, Bruce did quite expectable thing, giving Robin costume to him.

Tonight they made me to sit at the table with them and eat dinner. I feel sorry for Alfred. I won´t be able to have any benefit of his meticulously prepared dinner, I´m sure. I´m trying to eat, slowly, or at least pretend to. I manage to swallow a couple of bites. My stomach churns, I´m afraid I won´t make it to the bathroom in time this time. Finally it seems everybody finished their meal. I thank Alfred for the dinner through clenched teeth and with hopefully sincere smile on my face. In forced slow and casual pace I leave the dining room, adding the speed when out of the sight.

I get to the bathroom in the last moment.

Sweat and tears are running down my cheeks and chin, I´m clenching my fists, digging fingernails deep into my palms. It hurts a little, but thanks to physical pain the knot on my chest seem to loosen.

I lift my eyes, my attention drawn to a razor lying on the basin next to a toothbrush cup. Hesitantly I stretch out my hand towards it.

How many times I swore to myself to do this no more.

But the hand is faster than the mind.

My fingers are wrapped around the plastic handle, war rages in my head. If I succumb, it will be weakness. If I succumb, it will be relief. Be it for just a moment. When I succumb, I will be able to go on for a while. Pretend. Live.

As the razor blade cuts through my skin, my soul is filled with peace and serenity. And suddenly I don´t worry I could cut too deep.


	2. Chapter 2

/I wake up in my bed, desoriented for a moment. I had to be really exhausted and yesterday evening had to simply finish me off.

Yesterday evening. I moan and rest the back of my forearm against my eyes. I feel soft scratching of rough fabric on my face. Bandages? Sense of guilt clenches my chest. I even don´t remember nursing myself in the evening. I moan again.

"Babybird?" I hear familiar voice.

I freeze with terror. What is Dick doing in my room? And how will I explain those damned bandages to him?

"Tim, do you hear me?" Dick says again. "Are you awake?"

I want to sit up, but my head spins so hard, and my stomach is making somersaults. I rather flop myself back into pillow.

"What on Earth have you been doing?" Outrage in his voice replaces worry and relief. "Why…?"

He leaves the sentence unfinished, but I know what he wants to ask. In a flash I go through all possibilities I now have.

"Who?" I exhale the answer myself in the end.

"Who? Like ´Who found you?´ ´Who else knows?´ " he fires back, outrage in his voice still more audible. "Tim, I found you on your bathroom´s floor in the puddle of your own blood. And judging by the other scars on your arms this wasn´t the first time you did something like this. And no, I didn´t tell anybody," he adds. Unspoken ´yet´hovers between us.

There is a silence for a long time. I keep my eyes closed. I do not dare to open them, to look at Dick. I do not dare to open my mouth, I have no idea what could I possibly say.

"Tim, I, more than anyone else, understand that you don´t talk about your problems with Bruce. I totally understand you don´t talk to Jay, not mentioning Damian. But what about Alfred? What about me? Why didn´t you call me, Babybird?"

So much sorrow and remorse sounds in the last sentence. Tears well in my eyes, I feel them flowing down my cheeks, around my ears, on my neck and pillow.

"I didn´t want… to bother you..." I whisper.

"Babybird," he says, his voice broken, "I am your big brother. You can never bother me."

I feel his weight as he sits on my bed and takes my hand into his. "You don´t have to be alone in this. You don´t have to be alone, ever. The family..."

"No!" I cry in panic, finally opening my eyes. "Please…"

I gather all my courage to look into Dick´s eyes. "Please," I whisper again.

"Tim, you need help," he begins, but I start to shut off. Help? What, pills, white coats, doors with locks only on the outside… Arkham? My heart pounds so hard it hurts, I breath as if sprinting, my stomach churns painfully. In the distance I can hear Dick´s alarmed voice.

"Babybird! Tim! Breathe! Slowly, right, that´s it..."

I fix my eyes on his and I see what I need to see so desperately. Concern. Acceptance. Love.

My breath and heartbeat slows down little by little. I don´t know how I find myself in Dick´s arms. He rubs my back carefuly.

"It´s all right, nothing happens. We sort this out somehow. But you are not going to patrol tonight. No way, " he adds firmly. I have no strength left to argue.

"What would you say, let´s see, you have a stomach flu," he loosens his grip and winks at me conspiratorially. "… sounds good," I exhale wearily.

"Good. I´ll go get you..." he looks at me inquiringly and corrects himself. "I call Alfred to get you chamomile tea and some graham cracker, it will make you better."

He sits at my bedside until I drink the tea and have at least a bit of the cracker. Surprisingly, it really makes me feel better. I nibble on another small piece of cracker, but I don´t want to push my luck any further.

I hear the silent knock on the door. I shoot alarmed pleading look at Dick. Without a word he heads to the door and I hear him telling to somebody outside that I am sick and currently sleeping.

In a moment he is again at my side, smiling at me, holding my hand.

"I am so sorry," I sob. "Damian is right. I am useless. Weak."

Dick cuts me off. "Don´t say this ever again. Damian has no clue what you´ve been through. What you managed. How strong you are."

Dick stays at my room until the noon. We talk, or rather he talks – mainly about his job for the police, and I listen. I don´t mind to listen to him, I´m more than aware he doesn´t want to push me into anything else, but I know I won´t be able to avoid serious conversation. Finally I fall asleep again.

When I wake up, it´s already getting dark. I remain lying, I´m not patrolling today anyway. I´m grounded. I have to grin.

"Morning, sunshine," giggles Dick. He is still sitting next to me, not looking like he´s going out himself.

"Batman and Robin can handle it tonight," he shrugs. "And while you were asleep, I got one of my famous brilliant ideas," he says and bloats with mocked pride.

I cock my eyebrow. Dick´s brilliant ideas are indeed famous. Slowly the panic is starting to get hold on me again.

Dick notices. "Easy, you will like it. Hey, shouldn´t I be offended?" he teases me. He didn´t persuade me fully, but I beckon him to continue.

"What if you come to Blüdhaven with me for some time? I´ll tel Bruce I need you to help me with a case. Which by the way is quite true. I would really use some help. And a partner."

He falls silent. "I miss it, Babybird. I miss the time we spent together." He falls silent again.

"I´m so sorry. I suck terribly at being big brother." He lowers his eyes, looking like he is going to cry.

Very long, very awkward moment passes by.

"What do you say, "he asks shyly at last.

What do I say? I´m glad he can´t read my mind. Hurricane of emotions. Of possibilities.

I admit, it takes me a while, before I get a grip. Before I make it clear to myself which way I want to go. And which way I don´t. I lift my eyes and look at Dick. The poor thing looks nervous, trying to guess my thoughts and my answer.

Instead of answering I hug him tightly.

"I´ll take this for a yes," he exhales with relief. I nod.

Yes.

No more masks.


End file.
